13 Halloween films that aren't scary

Get into the spirit without having to sleep with the lights on

Hiya! Thank you x a million for the love and messages re yesterday’s rather long and a bit personal {paid subs only} post on what it’s been like to leave London and move to the countryside. I’ve been sitting on it for ages, so it’s a big relief to hear you enjoyed it and want more of that sort of thing. It’s actually my favourite sort of thing to write! It prompted a fair few subscription upgrades too, so hello and welcome to the club, paid pals :) as ever, if there’s something you want more/less of, let me know - I’m writing for YOU and so appreciate the support.

Not sure what I’m waffling on about? Become a paid subscriber below to gain access to everything I publish...

It is no secret that I love a theme. It’s even less of a secret that I’m a wimp. This means my October viewing schedule is chock full of a very specific, non-scary brand of Halloween film.

Presumably, there are more spooky season enthusiasts with a fear of spooky things out there who’ll appreciate my tried-and-tested list of Halloween-y movies to be enjoyed on the small screen with a blanket, warm beverage and no worries about what’s going to jump out from behind that pumpkin display…

Hocus Pocus

Arguably a cult film now, I’ve watched Hocus Pocus (1993!) every October since I was little and there are lines and songs in it that I cannot help reciting and singing come this time of year, unprompted (lucky Alex). Sistaaaaaaaaas! IYKYK. If you don’t… it’s a comedy about three witches played by Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker and Kathy Najimy who are brought back to life 300 years later by a boy trying to impress a girl. He’s then got to try and send them back before they take over the town and enchant all the children into being eaten (but that’s really just by the by and not a storyline that’s unpicked too much). Last year’s release, Hocus Pocus 2 is well worth a watch if you’re a fan and has a good story that’ll keep you engaged, but it’s missing whatever it is that makes you want to re-watch the first one over and over again.

Practical Magic

If you only watch one film from this list, or you’re not a Halloween-y kind of person, watch Practical Magic. It pains me that this film doesn’t have as much of a following as the other 90s American romances we all know, love and watch to death when we fancy a sob or wanna get cosy. It has serious When Harry Met Sally / Four Weddings / You’ve Got Mail vibes but with witches. The witches are simply women who inherit some magic; try not to focus on the magical powers part. The story is really about falling in love and the fall out of falling in love. Oh, and it stars Sandra Bullock, Nicole Kidman and Rizzo off of Grease!!

The Mummy

I had to squeeze one of my all-time faves into this list… mummies are Halloween-y, right? Starring Brendan Fraser, Rachel Weisz and the scene-stealing John Hannah, The Mummy is an action-adventure with a healthy dose of slapstick. It follows an OTT, swashbuckling Rick O’Connell to the City of the Dead where he hopes to help Evie and her brother uncover Ancient Egyptian mysteries and treasure, but they accidentally awaken the mummy of a cursed high priest instead. The special effects are somewhat dated, but that adds to the slightly silly, non-scary vibe.

Sleepy Hollow

This is as close to the horror genre as I’ll get and if you’re especially jumpy I would say don’t watch this one. But if you would like to dip a toe into something scary this season, the tongue-in-cheek, obviously fake blood humour of Sleepy Hollow is perfect. It’s Tim Burton’s take on the age-old tale of the headless horseman who terrorises a town, stealing heads. Johnny Depp’s character is called in to try and solve the mystery, which is more about sordid affairs than a murderous spectre.

Warm Bodies

Seriously underrated! Nichola Hoult is so good as R, a member of the walking dead who saves a girl from fellow zombies and begins to FEEL! This change spreads throughout the undead community and together R and his new human friend must convince the other humans they’re no longer a threat. It’s sweet and funny, and not very scary.

Bewitched

I don’t know why, but I saw Bewitched at the cinema! I don’t think it’s a particularly critically acclaimed or popular film but reading about it now, it’s unclear why. It’s directed by NORA EPHRON! And stars Nicole Kidman and Will Ferrel.. and Michael Caine, Kristen Chenworth, Steve Carell, the list of famous faces goes on. The storyline is pretty simple: an actor (Ferrel) finds out that his co-star (Kidman) who is playing a witch, is actually a witch. It’s got me thinking about how Nicole Kidman really does like playing witches (Practical Magic), and how her role in The Stepford Wives isn’t hugely dissimilar. Definitely watch that one as well if you haven’t!

The Rocky Horror Picture Show

No doubt you’ve heard of it and seen the fancy dress-donning crowds outside the theatre, but have you actually watched the 1975 cult film? On a stormy night, a newly engaged, prudish couple breakdown and stumble across the fabulously weird Dr. Frank-N-Furter and his lair of oddities, just as he’s preparing to reveal his latest creation: Rocky Horror, a daring, OTT Frankenstein of a sex symbol. The uptight pair are totally enamoured and begin to embrace this peculiar, freeing, seductive new world while Rocky roams free.

Death Becomes Her

The First Wive’s Club on steroids! Meryl Streep stars as the wronged ex-wife, sent to a psychiatric hospital after her BFF (Goldie Hawn) steals her husband. She returns years later, looking younger than ever and her ex-pal wants in on the secret… which is a drug that promises immortality, with disastrous and hilarious consequences.

The Witches of Eastwick

Cher, Susan Sarandon and Michelle Pfeiffer (!) play three friends who are all single and desperate for a romantic interest. As if by magic, Daryl Van Horne (Jack Nicholson) appears and despite being a total dick, manages to tap into their innermost thoughts and woo each one. When they discover who he really is, they have to use his own tricks against him to take back control of their lives.

Labyrinth

How creepy is David Bowie though? It feels like some people are only just realising this but those of us who watched Labyrinth as children knew all along. That aside, this film is well worth a watch. It’s packed with late-80s nostalgia and fantastical creatures in - by today’s standards - terrible costumes. Jennifer Connolly stars as 16-year-old Sarah who’s forced to babysit her baby brother who she wishes would be taken away. Her wish is granted by Goblin King Jareth (Bowie) and he’s taken away to the middle of the labyrinth, which is full of traps and challenges and where she and a gaggle of allies must rescue him from before midnight.

Edward Scissor Hands

I almost didn’t include Edward Scissor Hands because it’s so sad. And we’ve already had one Johnny Depp x Tim Burton film on this list (they are literally Halloween personified, aren’t they?). But it’s kind of iconic. I highly doubt any of you haven’t seen it but just in case: an unfinished synthetic man with scissors for hands is taken in by a kind family and falls in love with their daughter. Everything is going well until he’s accused of a crime he didn’t commit, but of course, everyone’s easily convinced the ‘man’ with scissors for hands could have dunnit.

The Little Vampire

This is a really sweet one to watch with your kids/nieces and nephews. Tony (played by the little boy from Stuart Little) has just moved to Scotland from California and is struggling to assimilate. He’s bullied at school and keeps having nightmares about vampires. One day, dressed up as a vampire, an actual vampire mistakes Tony for one of his own and the two become friends. The vampire and his family are searching for an amulet that will turn them into humans, and Tony is the human to help them.

Hotel Transylvania

This is not just for kids! During my year of being ill every other week, I exhausted Sky Cinema of every film and at the bottom of the barrel was Hotel Transylvania (purely because I thought it would be ‘just for kids’). You know that feeling when you watch something you’ve been putting off watching and realise how wrong you were and how you could have had this great thing earlier, and who knows how many great things you’ve disregarded before? I had that with this. It stars the voices of Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg, Kevin James, Selena Gomez, Steve Buscemi and David Spade and if that isn’t enough to get you watching, it’s about the vacation hotel Dracula builds so monsters can get away from it all. The pay-per-night venue also serves as a safe environment to raise his daughter, Mavis, away from scary humans. Of course, when human boy Jonathan stumbles into Mavis’ birthday party, she believes he’s the love of her life and Dracula has to contend with a human in his house. It’s feel-good and genuinely funny.

Let me know your fave non-scary Halloween film and if you watch any of these!